How broad is your definition of fitness? Sure, it has to encompass diet and exercise, but I know plenty of people who’ve twisted the place food has in their life or have been physically active for all the wrong reasons. Externally, they look fit; internally, they’re anything but.
The problem is that something is missing in their understanding of fitness. Sadly, they often learned their dysfunctional ways of handling their bodies through what they heard at home.
See, the words we say to our kids, as well as the ones we don’t, help them figure out their place in the larger world. Our words tell them what we value personally, and therefore, what they also should value if they want to get along with us. Emphasize the wrong things, and there’s no way a child can grow into a strong, healthy individual. They might look fine on the outside, but they’ll be messed up on the inside.
Here’s the goodness of God: he’s an expert at bringing health into unhealthy worlds. Even if we grew up listening to unhealthy messages or we’ve been communicating unhelpful ones to our children, he enters into our lives with his gracious words to transform us so that we learn to speak like he does.
Don’t jump on the bed. It’ll be more fun if I help you!
When he speaks to us, we hear someone who chooses his words carefully to communicate how good he is, and therefore, how good a relationship with him will be. His words give us reasons to want more of him and more of his lifestyle.
Your words can work the same way. Speak graciously to your children, like God speaks to you, and you’ll give them reasons to keep coming back for more of you as you point them to more wholesome ways of living in this world.
Here are five words, or categories, of grace that will help create a positive, healthy atmosphere for your family. Each one can totally transform the fitness of a family.
ACCEPTANCE – LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS
Do your words tell your children, regularly and clearly, that they are wanted? That you want them? That they are special and valuable to you simply because God made them and made them in his image?
Or do your words attach conditions to your children? Do you communicate in subtle, or not so subtle, ways that you would like them a whole lot better if they: were a little thinner, took better care of their appearance, worked out a little more, pursued the sports you played, worked harder during practice or were on the more elite team?
God never says anything like that. In fact, he says the opposite. He says he doesn’t delight in the legs of the warrior, but rather he delights in the person who trusts his unfailing love (Ps. 147:10-11).
But you can only trust his love if you’ve heard about it and if you’ve heard what it cost him to love people who are imperfect. In other words, you can only trust his love if he’s told you about it. That means if you’ve ever heard of what Jesus did on the cross so that you could know God, it’s only because God wanted you to know what his love is like. He’s very good at telling people how much he wants them.
And that’s a wonderful thing because one day the strength in your legs will be gone, but God’s delight won’t go with it. That’s the kind of love that your kids need to hear from you.
So, tell them. Look for times to say to your children, “I love you” when they haven’t done anything noteworthy or special. Practice saying things like, “I love you because you’re here. I am so thrilled to have you. This is a good home for you. You’re wanted. I want you.”
That’s the kind of love they can’t earn which means it’s the kind that they can’t lose. And therefore, it’s the only kind that they can ever fully trust.
IDENTITY – LIVE LIKE YOUR LOVED
When you think about your child, trying looking down the road. No, I don’t mean to their next birthday or grade level or after high school or even to them having children of their own. Look further. Imagine that time when they’re no longer in their prime or at the height of their physical abilities and ask, “What will they base their identity on when their looks, skills, abilities, strength and agility are aging-out?”
Whatever you hope that identity will be then, is what you want to point them to today. That means as much as I celebrate my kids’ academic achievements, success in sports, and getting taller and stronger, I need that much more to help anchor them in the love of the God who made them and gave them all the things that I love about them.
Listen, without being morbid, one day they’re going to give all those gifts back to him. On that day I want them to know that they’re just as loved by him as they ever were and that it never had anything to do with all the cool things he gave them. I want their sense of themselves as a person—their worth and value—to come first from being in a relationship with their Maker.
That’s why I send our youngest off to school each morning by telling him, “Live like you’re loved.” That’s my way of saying, “Throw yourself into every situation today, using all the gifts that God has given you, because you’ve got nothing to lose. You’re loved by the One whose love and opinion matters more than everyone else’s, mine included. Nothing that happens today will take that from you. Trust his love—enjoy it—do that, and today will be a great day. Live like you’re loved.”
ENCOURGEMENT – BE EXCITED ABOUT WHAT THEY’RE DOING
One of the hardest things as a parent is to remember that your children are not simple extensions of yourself nor, if you have several, are they cookie-cutter versions of each other. Each one is utterly unique, having their own likes and dislikes, strengths, hobbies, interests and talents.
Therefore, even though they live in your house, eat your food, wear the clothes you provide, and may even have come from your own body, their highest calling is not to be just like you or like each other or to like all of the things that you like. They’re made in the image of the God whose talents and interests are infinitely diverse.
Take a minute and think right now about your different children. How is each one uniquely gifted? What physical talents do they have? What intellectual or artistic gifts? What do they love doing? What do they make time to do that they never grumble about? What are they willing to spend their own money on? What skills do you see them developing?
Now, think harder: what does each one need to hear from you that will urge them to continue their development in positive, healthy directions? It’d be super tempting to click to the next slide, but let me urge you—encourage you—don’t. At least, not until you’ve done some thinking about what you could say to help encourage your child. Healthy families take real work, but the effort is so worthwhile because it’s what our children need.
RESTRAINT – WHEN LESS IS MORE
What you don’t say is often as important as what you do say because not everything that flits through your mind is a word of grace.
Full confession: I’m “that” parent. I’m the guy on the sidelines of his kids’ sporting events, yelling himself hoarse. My kids have told me that that’s something they appreciate … in general. But there have been other times, when the opposite has been pretty clear.
I remember coaching one of my son’s soccer game and it slowly dawned on me through the first half, that the more I yelled instructions to him, the more frustrated he became and the less able he was to play. In other words, I wasn’t nearly as helpful as I thought I was. Instead, I was undermining him with each word.
After making one particularly unhelpful comment, I turned to the other coach and said, “If I say another word, I want you to turn around and kick me as hard as you can.” He smiled at me because he’d understood for a while how unhelpful I was being.
Neither of us expected him to follow through, but it was important for me to find a way to confess out loud how wrong I was and to change what I was communicating. By definition, simply removing foolish, harmful words is in itself, gracious. So, in order for me to speak more positively that afternoon, I first needed to eliminate the ungracious things that were coming from me.
FORGIVENESS – NOT MAKING OTHERS PAY
I have some bad news for you: today, your child will do something that doesn’t have your best interests in mind. Count on it. They’ll say something dismissive or unkind. They’ll take you for granted or do something mean. They might be intentional or merely thoughtless, but the result will be the same: their foolishness will hurt you.
What you do next is vital to the kind of person they’re becoming and to the overall atmosphere you’re building in your family. You really only have two choices. First, you can choose to pay for the hurt they’ve caused by forgiving what they’ve done—you can decide that you will not treat them the way they deserve, which means that you will absorb the cost of what they did without trying to inflict any back on them.
Or second, you can make them pay the cost. You might do that by venting your anger on them or withholding yourself relationally until they’ve done enough to make up for the hurt you feel. If that’s the case then they’ll have to do things that they know you like—eating dinner without fussing about it, trying things you’ve been telling them they should do or working harder at things they know you like (i.e. schoolwork, sports, household chores, etc.).
In other words, they’ll try altering their lifestyle so that it’s more in line with what you value. And when they do, unless you’re really unusual, it’ll probably work. Your attitude toward them will likely soften, they’ll feel more compliant, and you’ll like the results.
And it will have a horrible effect on your child. See, they won’t be adopting a lifestyle because they love how healthy it is. They’ll adopt it for its instrumental value (i.e. because it gets them something they want).
If you don’t engage with forgiveness when they fail, like God engages you, you’re setting a trap in your home. Things might seem more peaceful, but that peace will come at the cost of training your children to be better manipulators, which is anything but healthy.
A HOUSEHOLD OF GRACE – IT TAKES PRACTICE
So, which words or skills do you think would best help your family? Are there ones that need to be heard more often in your home? Or maybe there are patterns of ungracious words that you want to eliminate.
Focus on the skill—Acceptance, Identity, Encouragement, Restraint, Forgiveness—that you think is lagging behind the rest and commit yourself to improving your communication in this area over the next several weeks.
Speaking words of grace is the same: it’s rewarding, but it doesn’t happen automatically. You first need to hear them—to experience them—from the Lord, and then you need to practice speaking them so that you sound increasingly like him. You can find more ideas both on how to hear gracious words from God and to speak them to your children in my book, Parenting with Words of Grace: Building Relationships with Your Children One Conversation at a Time.
