From Amsterdam to Ecuador, my wife and I have literally traveled around the world this last year helping people (especially Christians) understand the profound challenge of intimacy. In a world awash in porn, intimacy is frequently destroyed in the false pursuit of intensity. But this is not a new battle; in fact, our sexuality has been a focal point of spiritual conflict from the very beginning when God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit declared, “Let us create mankind in our image. Male and female he created them.”
Stop and think about that verse and you come to an amazing conclusion: The only place on this planet where you see the image of God is in the covenant relationship between a husband and wife or in healthy relationships between singles in church. I don’t see the image of God in the majestic beauty of snowcapped Mount Hood that is in my back yard. That is an expression of his handiwork not his image. His face and character are seen in the loving and passionate embrace of a husband and wife. In fact, the holiest place in your home if you are married is the bedroom. Therefore, and this is huge, there is nothing your spiritual adversary hates more than a husband and wife who love Jesus and can’t keep their hands off one another. He hates the image of God!
Intimacy is such a challenge because it will not happen automatically. In fact, hell will do everything in its power to prevent it from taking place. Intimacy is not easy, so the critical question is, “Are you emotionally fit enough for intimacy?” For example, I love to do triathlons but I have to be in great physical shape to enjoy them. In the same way having a great marriage and experiencing deep intimacy requires emotional and spiritual fitness. That is a hard concept to communicate to a young man who is crazy in love. I have lost count of the number of times in the premarital counseling process I have asked the groom-to-be the critical question, “Son do you know what marriage is for?” They usually get this silly expression on their face as they smile from ear to ear. That is when I say, “Son you are missing a very important fact. Marriage is to crucify you! As a single male you don’t realize how self-centered you are. Your future wife is going to be giving you an alphabetic list of just how selfish you are on a daily basis!”
There is nothing your spiritual adversary hates more than a husband and wife who love Jesus and can’t keep their hands off one another.
ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY FIT?
As his eyes dilate in astonishment I drop the bomb, “Marriage is to grow you up; it is not about your comfort but your character.” No matter how I say it most guys don’t get how emotionally fit you have to be to have a great marriage. I remember one Ivy League-training young man. He was a smart guy. I told him repeatedly that marriage would make a heavy workout on the bench press seem like a piece of cake in comparison. Intimacy is one of the ultimate tests of our emotional fitness. He kind of blew me off but about six months later he was knocking on my office door, “Dr. Roberts, this woman is killing me!” “Son, I told you she would do that,” I responded. Then he made an astonishing statement as he puffed his chest out, “But I am head of the house!” “Do you know what that means?” I asked. He rather sheepishly replied, “Not really.” “The truest meaning of the phrase,” I said, “Is that you are first to the Cross. When Jesus shows up to deal with our selfishness he starts with you.”
Related Reading: The Deadlift Workout – Total Obedience Is Total Power
The challenge of fitness goes both ways. It is not uncommon for the bride to realize her future husband is messed up but she is convinced she can fix him. My wife Diane knew I was seriously messed up but she believed she could change me. One problem—I got worse the first three years of our life together.
My point is that every marriage is headed one place apart from Christ’s help—to STALEMATE! For example, have you ever walked into an upscale restaurant and seen a number of couples sitting at tables together? You can always tell the couples who are dating versus those who have been married for a while. The couples who are been married for a number of years are usually not . . . talking to one another. The truth is they are talking to one another; they are just tired of listening to the message. They are stuck in Stalemate!
“Stalemate” lies at the core of our need for emotional fitness in marriage. As a couple you will argue over reality; you will fight over who is right and who is wrong. Diane and I have been married for over 42 years yet we can argue over the silliest things. Things like who has the keys to the house or car. “I gave the keys to YOU!” “No, I gave them to YOU!” Or my wife can tell me the next exit is the correct one to take off the freeway. But I will vociferously declare that an exit up ahead is the correct one. Then I will drive around the world if necessary to prove I am right.
Whenever you argue over who is right or wrong you are locked into an emotional “death spiral.” Recent research has discovered that 70% of what a married couple argues about they will never resolve. In other words, if you have to be right you will spend the rest of our life arguing with your mate.
Like doing a heavy workout, marriage at times requires some sweat and tears.
In the New Testament portion of the Bible James expressed it clearly when he said our marital wars come from the deep need to have our own way. Intimacy requires that we be emotionally fit enough not to always have to be right.
James continues and identifies the next place where we get stuck in a stalemate: when we focus on our own pleasures. This is when we either quietly or openly demand our mate affirm us. Sometimes we don’t deserve it. Other times our mate doesn’t want to or is incapable of affirming us. Real intimacy requires the emotional fitness to find our affirmation in Christ instead of our spouse being the sole source of our affirmation.
Which bring us to the final truth. For your marriage to be truly intimate you will have to pay the price of pain involved in growth.
Related reading: Tough As Nails and A Preface To Sacrifice
Like doing a heavy workout, marriage at times requires some sweat and tears. Intimacy is not always about being comfortable and close. Frequently intimacy is about being uncomfortable and close. But after 40 plus years of marriage I can say with confidence it has been worth the effort. My love for Diane has healed me and forced me to grow up in ways I never thought possible. I have learned a critical truth in this journey: the way I treat my spouse is the way I really treat Jesus.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS FOR INDIVIDUALS, COUPLES AND GROUPS
Dr. Ted Roberts has served in several ministries, from chairman of the Theology department at a Bible College, Staff Pastor, Senior Pastor, Director of a Counseling Ministry, to his present position as Founder of Pure Desire Ministries International. He is the author of Failing Forward and For Men Only: The Courageous Fight for Healthy Sexuality, Pure Desire, Living Life Boldly, Going Deeper and Sexy Christians which he co-authored with his wife Diane. Dr. Roberts is a Certified Clinical Sexual addiction therapist – trained under renowned speaker, teacher and clinicain Dr. Patrick Carnes.
