With me being a nutrition and training consultant, I come across all walks of life as far as marriages go. Some of my clients have spouses who support them 100% and then I have some that don’t really care and hinder their spouse’s goals. I can honestly say that I don’t know what that feels like because I have the spouse that supports me 100%.
What I mean by support is when someone wants to change their lifestyle. Webster’s dictionary defines a lifestyle as “a particular way of living: the way a person lives or a group of people live.” So if someone is living a lifestyle that makes them become over weight by eating a lot of food that has little or no nutritional value and the outcome is them being sick or feeling bad about themselves, can make them want to reevaluate their lifestyle and make some changes. Not all spouses are okay with that and this discourages the newbies to just quit and not keep going to make a better, healthier life for them. Some spouses develop significant insecurities because their significant other is losing weight.
First we need to get something straight, never lose weight or change your lifestyle for anyone but YOU. If you are at an unhealthy weight, definitely make an attempt to get healthy, but honestly, your efforts should not be all about looks, but more about health. Those who lose weight for health tend to keep it off longer than those who take it off to look good in a bikini. Although setting that type of goal is an excellent idea.
This quote came to mind while I was writing this blog, “No one can be responsible for where or how we each begin. No one has the freedom to do anything or everything, and all choices bring consequences. What we choose to do next, though, how to spend our resources or attention or effort, this is what defines us.” Seth Godin
There are many reasons why your spouse may not support you, but don’t let that stop you from achieving and reaching your goals. YOU have to understand what is motivating you and don’t expect everyone else to change or follow you. Food is personal and some people just don’t like change. Don’t let the issue become a stumbling block in your marriage. Communicate with each other and tell him or her how important this is for you and why you are doing this. Don’t just come home one day and say “I hired a coach” or “I joined a gym”. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel and why you want to change.
I know my wife likes to work out because it makes her feel better about herself and then that carries over in our relationship. What husband wouldn’t want their wife to be more comfortable in their own skin? But you have to tell them it is important to you and you are happier if you can make some changes if it matters to you. Give your spouse good information. I know when I was starting out I would send my wife small emails, YouTube videos and texts and would tell her to read these and that it explains some things that I think are really important and ask her to read/watch it and if we can, discuss it together after.
Start slow and implement change with them little by little. I didn’t grow up eating the way I do now. It took a few years and much determination to learn to eat healthfully as I do now, and to overcome a strong dislike of many wholesome foods (asparagus, broccoli, salmon) but now I love them. Your spouse may be the same. If so, it’s going to take patience and diligence to help them change their taste buds and learn to like what’s better for them. Perhaps you could ask them if you could introduce a new meal or dish once a week. Or you could take some of their favorites and see if there are small things you can do to make them just a little bit better without removing all the pleasure. Or see if there are changes that they will willingly make, and a few compromise areas that you can just leave as they are for now, because some change is better than none!
You can’t count on someone to do what you have to do for yourself. Sure it would be nice to have the support you deserve, but if you don’t you can still accomplish what you have set out to do. We’re always in charge of what we put into our body. That is, each person is responsible for looking after their own health. If you do the shopping, then that’s great. You’re in control of what you buy. If you share the shopping or your partner does it all, add items to the shopping list for them to buy for you. If they’re not happy to do this, it may mean that you need to do your own shopping.
If you’re the cook in the house, that’s even better. Just cook wholesome, delicious meals, and don’t tell your partner they’re healthy! Add ingredients that they would enjoy. And simply say you’re trying something different. If you’re not the cook, then this can be a little tricky. You can start to cook yourself or you can see whether your partner is willing to make meals that will suit you both. If your partner isn’t willing to make some fair changes, then it may mean you need to prepare some of food, like making extra veggies on the side if that’s what’s lacking, or cook an entire meal for yourself. When eating out, suggest a restaurant where you both have delicious options.
Is snacking getting to you? The best way to keep away from unhealthy snacks is to not have them in the house. This can be a struggle when your spouse keeps a cupboard full of stuff you’d rather avoid. Ask them to help you by storing the snacks in a secret spot so you can’t find them, and not eating them when you’re around or, at least, not in front of you
If your partner tries to tempt you because they’re feeling guilty for not eating well themselves, then gently ask them for their support instead. Explain why you’re doing what you’re doing. Make it about you and not your partner and your health. That is, don’t make them feel bad for not supporting you. Instead tell them how they can help and why, without asking them to change the way they eat. If you have any health ailments, or your parents do, then use that to make a strong case to explain to your partner why you need their support. I know you shouldn’t really need to do this, but sometimes people need an explanation or need to be asked to understand.
Do not nag, judge or act out at your spouse while you make changes to your lifestyle. This just makes them feel bad, and can create resentment in a relationship. So do your best to eat well, but don’t preach, as this won’t help your cause in asking for their support either. Just live by example and be the example in the house.
Husbands have to understand their role as a husband and cannot be demanding and defiant against his spouse when she wants to make a positive change. The role of the husband in the Bible starts with leadership. Scripture makes it very clear that a husband must be a leader of his home and have healthy control of his life. (1 Timothy 3)
Furthering this understanding, Ephesians 5:21-24 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Again, in 1 Corinthians 11:3, Scripture says, "But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
One of the primary roles of a husband in the Bible, then, is to lead. Leadership simply means influence. Therefore, a biblically-based husband should influence his family. Husbands are not dictators, they should not demand, they should not rule over their wives. Instead, husbands should influence their wives and families.
I hope this helps some of you. Don't fight, don't argue, don't get discouraged or give up and most of all do it for YOU!
